I Should Have Stopped You
by LittleKnux2008
Summary: SimonElizabeth spoilers for Rising and Intruder. Simon thinks about his life without Elizabeth.


**Author's Note: **This is meant to be a songfic, so if you want to check out the version with the lyrics, go to my site on Livejournal (I'm LittleKnux2008 there, too). Thanks to fififolle for the beta.

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**I Should Have Stopped You  
**_"You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol_

Somehow the house seemed emptier. Simon stared numbly at the only picture of them that he had refrained from packing away, fingering the frame with an aching in his soul. Some part of him had always hoped that there would be more pictures, new pictures, to join it, but that had been nothing but a fool's dream. Elizabeth wasn't coming home.

He could still remember sitting down in front of the television with her video just sparse months ago, fingers trembling as they pressed play. They were her first words to him in nearly a year, recorded light years away. The image had flickered onto the screen, and he heard a young man in the background tell Elizabeth to speak when she was ready. Simon had leaned forward, fingertips brushing the cool screen. Anxiety and sorrow had left their marks; slashed angry lines into her face and brought the corners of her lips tighter together.

Simon had noticed every change of emotion in her eyes, and when she told him to move on, he knew that she believed she wouldn't be able to see him again. What danger was she facing that was so terrible that it brought her to gaze towards her own death? The message had left a chill in his very bones, and he replayed it for several nights.

It was the gradual agony of not knowing that had driven him crazy over the days following the arrival of the tape. But eventually, he realized that he had to move on with his life. And he had – slowly, but surely. A date here, a date there. After a few months, he finally met someone that understood – someone who had lost their love as well. He and Elle understood each other from the moment they'd first met, and the road from acquaintance to friendship to relationship had been quick.

And yet, he'd still hung on to this, the one last reminder of Elizabeth. Simon stared at the photo, pained as he looked at their smiling faces, arms wrapped tightly around each other. It was that pure happiness and love they'd had that had left such a crater in his life. But Elizabeth had come back to him, after nearly a year, but only to leave again, disappearing where he could never find her. This time, it had been his fault.

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He'd thought he had no choice but to tell her about his relationship with Elle. And he hadn't, at first. Between the excitement of her arrival and the chemistry reigniting between them, he had been caught up in a dream of which Elle had no part. But then Elizabeth had given him the invitation to go with her to Pegasus. Simon told her about Elle minutes later, no longer wishing to deceive her. The look on Elizabeth's face as he told her had revealed everything a woman as strong as she was would never say. The guilt he had been holding within him for over year had grown to gigantic proportions in that moment. It was guilt that so many told him that he shouldn't carry, but it was there, and it nearly killed him then. Elizabeth, switching back to the cold logic that had been closer to her than Simon ever had, had told him that she understood. Simon was sure she did – but that meant nothing. Elizabeth understood religious genocides and terrorism; to her, understanding was looking from a different perspective, and nothing more. She may have understood but she had hoped that he hadn't moved on and he had disappointed her. If only he'd said it differently – or didn't say it at all. He could've disappeared with her; left Elle, and gone with Elizabeth. Why hadn't he? He recalled the haze of emotion during his decision – fear to leave, and fear to put his heart in Elizabeth's hands once more; love for Elle, and love for Elizabeth.

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It struck him only now that he had – he did – love Elizabeth more than anything in the entire world. More than his career, more than this world, and more than Elle. Twisted irony nipped at the edges of his heels, and he wished he could've realized this sooner. He wondered what would happen if he saw her again and told her – what would she do? Would she remember the good times or would she simply push him away for the hurt he had caused her?

Still, it didn't matter. He had blown his chance with Elizabeth, and it wouldn't come again. He should've told her this, stopped her from leaving, gone with her, _something_. But he hadn't, and that was to be the last time their paths would intertwine.

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Simon was quickly finding, once again, that without Elizabeth, his life spiraled into chaos and despair. He couldn't bring himself to return any of Elle's worried calls or even to go into work. In a lot of ways, she'd been his guide in life, and now that she was gone, again, he didn't know where he was heading. He wasn't just wasting time before her inevitable return; he was sentenced to living life without her.

In the silence of his empty house, Simon wondered how Elizabeth was feeling at this exact moment; if she felt the same pain that was plaguing him. Still, she had little to regret. Elizabeth, despite her original decision to leave, had done everything right. It was Simon that had chosen to move on; Simon that had chosen to split them up forever.

And if he couldn't be with her, the good part of Simon hoped that she would find someone else. Someone that filled the void he'd like to imagine he'd left behind. Someone that would take care of her, someone that knew her in and out, just as he had, someone that would be by her side for the rest of her life. She deserved someone like that, for all she'd given to Simon, for all she'd given everyone.

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He wished now that he could've gone with her on the expedition – been with her to see all that she had done. Elizabeth was a creature of powerful change, one of the many things he admired about her. Looking down at the image of her frozen face, Simon hoped that he hadn't hindered that, hadn't damaged her. But even as he did, he knew that she would be okay. Pain was just another obstacle, and every obstacle was possible to overcome in her eyes. And if she couldn't do it alone, he knew she had many friends in the expedition. They would help her.

There was a shallow throb in his stomach when Simon realized that he couldn't help her anymore. She was on her own now – and he as well. Because regardless of where they'd been for the past years, he'd always felt as if there was a link between them, keeping them connected over the distance. But that link had been severed, and he could hardly muster the energy to look for a ledge to hold on to before he fell back to Earth.

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Sleep ate at the edge of his mind, and with a heavy sigh, he placed the picture frame on the nightstand beside his bed and turned off the light. His thoughts continued to run throughout the night until the small hours of the morning when he finally drifted into the embrace of unconsciousness. A dream tugged at an old daydream of her, and a smile twitched onto his face. For these few moments – moments soon forgotten in the daylight hours – they were together again. It was the only time they were together now, and today, he happily indulged himself.

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_**fin.**


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